Secrets Kill | Every Martian

You’re sitting in church on Sunday morning. Worship is playing. People around you have their hands raised. And somewhere between the second verse and the bridge… your mind drifts to what you watched last night.

You push it down. You sing louder. You tell yourself it’s not that serious. Everybody struggles with something, right?

But here’s the thing you already know and are trying not to think about: secrets kill.

They kill intimacy. They kill trust. They kill the man you were meant to become. And if left in the dark long enough… they will kill everything you say you care about.

You Are Not Alone (And That’s Not a Comfort)

Let’s get something out of the way. You are not the only man in your church dealing with this. Not even close.

According to a comprehensive 2024 study by the Barna Group, 75% of Christian men report consuming pornography at some level. Among practicing Christians… people who attend church regularly, consider faith important, and have prayed within the last week… 54% view pornography with some frequency. And 22% of those practicing Christians are watching weekly or daily.

Read that again. More than half the men who call themselves practicing Christians are engaging with porn. One in five are doing it every week.

This is not an edge-case issue. This is an epidemic hiding in plain sight… in our small groups, our elder boards, and yes… even our pulpits. The study found that 67% of pastors have a personal history with pornography, and 18% say it is a current struggle.

So when you feel like you are the only one? You’re not. But that should alarm you more than it comforts you.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

The enemy’s greatest tool isn’t temptation. It’s rationalization.

Maybe you’ve told yourself one of these:

“It’s actually helping my sex life.” The data says otherwise. Wives whose husbands regularly use porn report feeling unattractive (44%), experiencing a decline in self-esteem (38%), and feeling betrayed (27%). She may not know the details, but she feels the distance. She feels the comparison. And over time, what you think is helping is quietly dismantling the very connection you crave.

“I’m single. It’s not hurting anyone.” But it’s shaping you. It is rewiring what arousal looks like, what intimacy means, and what you will expect from a future wife. You are training yourself to consume rather than connect. And the patterns you establish now don’t just disappear when you say “I do.”

“It’s better than the alternative.” Maybe physical circumstances, medical issues, or relational distance have made sexual intimacy with your wife difficult or unavailable. And in that gap, pornography presents itself as a pressure valve… a way to cope without burdening anyone. But coping mechanisms that require secrecy are not coping mechanisms. They are chains.

“I can stop whenever I want.” The Barna study found that 66% of Americans… and 64% of Christians… believe that with enough willpower, a person can overcome porn addiction on their own. But here’s the reality: 84% of porn users say no one is helping them. Among Christians who use porn, that number is 82%. If willpower were enough, those numbers wouldn’t exist.

And perhaps the most dangerous lie of all: “It’s not that bad.” A staggering 62% of Christians agree that a person can regularly view pornography and still live a sexually healthy life. Nearly half of practicing Christian porn users say they are comfortable with their level of use.

Comfortable. With a habit that correlates with higher rates of depression, anxiety, self-criticism, and… among daily users… a three-fold increase in feeling that life isn’t worth living.

That’s not comfort. That’s numbness.

What It’s Actually Doing

Let’s set the rationalizations aside and look at what the research consistently shows.

To your mind: Porn users are significantly more likely to be self-critical (47% vs. 34%), anxious about decisions (43% vs. 34%), and depressed (21% vs. 15%) compared to non-users. Among daily users, those numbers spike even further… 58% report being self-critical, 58% report anxiety, and 28% report depression.

To your marriage: Starting pornography use nearly doubles the likelihood of divorce. For women who begin using, it triples. And 68% of Americans acknowledge that porn has an impact on marriage. The gap between what men and women experience is staggering… 61% of husbands whose wife used porn called it positive, while 51% of wives whose husband used porn called it negative. Wives are five times more likely to report a negative experience from a spouse’s porn use.

To your wife’s soul: Among wives whose husbands regularly used porn, 44% felt their husband wasn’t attracted to them. 38% experienced unrealistic expectations. 38% suffered declining self-esteem. 30% felt their husband didn’t care about them. And 76% of betrayed wives show clinical symptoms of post-traumatic stress… comparable to frontline soldiers.

Read that last line again. Your secret is inflicting combat-level trauma on the woman you vowed to protect.

To your witness: You cannot lead what you are hiding from. You cannot disciple your sons while modeling duplicity. You cannot shepherd others while your own soul is bleeding out in the dark.

The Path That Leads to Death

Scripture doesn’t mince words about this.

“There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.” Proverbs 14:12 (NLT)

The path of secrecy, rationalization, and isolation feels manageable. It feels like you have it under control. But every Christ-following man who has come out the other side of this will tell you the same thing: the moment you think you’re managing it is the moment it’s managing you.

And here’s what the enemy doesn’t want you to know… you don’t have to stay on that path.

The shame you carry? Jesus bore it.

The guilt that keeps you silent? It was nailed to the cross.

The fear of being found out? It loses its power the moment you step into the light.

“But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” 1 John 1:7 (NLT)

Notice the order. Living in the light comes first. Fellowship follows. Then cleansing. You don’t get clean in isolation. You get clean in community.

The First Step: Tell Someone

This is the hardest part. And it’s the most important.

Secrets kill. But confession heals.

You need to tell one trusted person what you’re dealing with. Not a social media post. Not a vague prayer request. A real conversation with a real person who can look you in the eye, hold you accountable, and walk with you.

The Barna study revealed something critical: when a church has a specific recovery program for pornography, the likelihood of a person having someone helping them quadruples… from 14% to 52%. Structure matters. Accountability matters. You were never meant to fight this alone.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:16 (NLT)

That verse doesn’t say confess your sins to God alone. It says confess to each other. There is a healing that only comes through the vulnerability of being known… fully known… and not abandoned.

What Comes Next

Once you’ve broken the silence, the journey isn’t over. It’s just beginning. And it needs structure.

Here are real, proven next steps:

Find an accountability partner. Not someone who will shame you, but someone who will ask the hard questions and not let you disappear.
Join a recovery program. Pure Desire Ministries offers the Conquer Series and other group-based programs designed specifically for men in the church. These aren’t theoretical… they are battle-tested and Christ-centered.
Get professional help if needed. 56% of Americans say therapy or counseling is the most effective treatment for compulsive sexual behavior. There is no shame in that. You’d see a doctor for a broken leg. This is no different.
Address the root, not just the behavior. Pornography is almost never the root issue. It is a symptom… of loneliness, unprocessed pain, stress, boredom, or relational disconnection. A good counselor or recovery group will help you dig beneath the surface.
Be patient with yourself… and stay consistent. Recovery is not a straight line. The Barna study’s conclusion to churches is clear: remain consistent for the long haul. This applies to your personal journey too. Relapse is not failure. Quitting the fight is.

A Word to the Man Who’s Reading This and Thinking “Not Me”

Maybe you clicked on this out of curiosity. Maybe you genuinely don’t struggle with this. If so, thank God for that grace… and then look around.

50% of porn users say no one knows. That means the man sitting next to you in church, the guy in your small group, your best friend… statistically, one of them is drowning and nobody knows.

Be the kind of man someone can confess to. Create the kind of friendship where secrets can’t survive. If your church doesn’t have a recovery program… and only 9% do… be the one who starts the conversation with your pastor about why it should.

The Takeaway

You are not too far gone. You are not disqualified. And you are not alone.

But you must come out of the dark.

The same Jesus who looked at Peter after his worst moment of denial and restored him over breakfast on the beach… that Jesus is looking at you right now. Not with disgust. Not with disappointment. With an invitation.

Come into the light. Let’s deal with this together.

Because secrets kill. But the truth? The truth sets you free.

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32 (NLT)

If you or someone you know is struggling with compulsive pornography use, visit Pure Desire Ministries or ask your pastor about recovery resources. The Conquer Series is a proven, Christ-centered program available for churches and small groups.

Statistics referenced in this article are from the 2024 Barna Group study “Beyond the Porn Phenomenon,” conducted in partnership with Pure Desire Ministries.